Solutions to Global Warming: carbon tax alternatives

Here are some solutions to global warming that don't involve a carbon tax.
Mass deportation.
We don't need to reduce the carbon foot print, per person, we just need to reduce our carbon foot print, period.
So to meet Canada's Kyoto Accord obligations, as a call center worker, I propose we deport all the people in Canada who haven't mastered English or French (assuming they are still citizens of an other country, otherwise, that would be wrong).
As Canada has one of the highest life expectancies in the world, deporting these annoying residents would also shorten their lives, contributing to a world reduction of green house gasses.
Bird Flue
Mother nature is expected to throw us a curve ball with the expected bird flue. This plague of biblical proportions will actually be facilitated if we do everything exactly the same (such as flying and the world trade of goods). Bird flue hits, millions die, problem solved. However, the manner of the disposal of the corpses is important as seeping carbon from decaying corpses, or burning them, would cause a temporary spike in carbon. Deep graves is the preferred method.
This one is touchy because it involves moral issues. Dirt poor people use much less carbon spewing energy. As there are few colonies left in the world, increasing poverty is easier said then done. But a first step would be to ban outsourcing to India. Countries should also follow the lead of the United States and reduce foreign aid. The international Monetary Fund (IMF) should be instructed to step up efforts to "help", nudge, nudge, poor countries.
Tax credits for iPhone ownership
This one may sound crazy, but I figure if you own an iPhone, you will want to use it. You already have the Internet at home and at work, so the best place to use it is commuting. Unfortunatly, you can't really drive while surfing the Internet. Even in heavy traffic, it just doesn't work. So I figure people who have an iPhone are much more likely to want that extra two hours of surfing per day and will therefor take the bus/train or car pool to work. Tax credit for iPhone = more iPhones = fewer car commuters. Yes, I do own shares of Apple, but I'm just trying to save the plannet eh!

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