2013-01-28

When I Win Geoswee:-P

Geosweep, as you know, is the map based lottery sweeping the nation. That nation being Altantica, aka Atlantic Canada, where the the Altantic Lottery Corporation (ALC) runs the gambling racket. Not content with numbers, hockey and the Oscars, ALC thought it would be a good idea to let people bet on churches and sewer plants using Google Maps. All the jobs related to this idea are in the United Kingdom of Britain and Northern Ireland, where Geosweeps is based. So far, ALC and the provinces are in for 5 MILLION dollars.

Anyway, some day I'm going to win the $250,000 grand prize. Nobody has ever won it, so I suspect the press conference will be well attended:

Journalist:
-Altavistagoogle, what do you plan on doing with the prize money?
Me:
Thanks for asking. There is a lot of suffering in the world, so the first thing I plan on doing is setting up a foundation. I plan on calling it "The Altavistagoogle Foundation For Helping Starving Children in Africa". I plan on covering 100% of the set up costs out of my own pocket, that's just the kind of person I am. After a few years of fundraising, I'd like the foundation to start helping the starving African children with 100% locally sourced New Brunswick organic food. We don't eat that crappy African food, why should they? Seems only fair.

I'm also a big Lindsay Lohan fan. Charlee Sheen payed her 2008 back taxes. I'd like to cover 2009. #Winning!

$250,000 will only go so far, so I plan on investing a significant portion. One of my investment ideas is a business that comes up with lottery and web based gambling products. It will be based here in New Brunswick. Examples: When my sisters and me were kids, we'd play lawn darts. I'm sure you did this to, after a while you get bored and start throwing the darts in the air and run for your life. Nobody ever got hurt, but I miss the thrill. The lottery would be fully web 2.0 and integrated with Youtube. An other example would be a map based lottery. It would be kind of like Geosweep except we'd use Mapquest and you could only bet on water. We'd call it Go Fish (trade mark pending).

I'd also like to start a newspaper. Part of the annoyance people have with local newspapers is that they are not relevant. My newspaper would only carry news for my street. On days when there would be no news, we'd still deliver the paper, just that it would say "No News On My Street Today" surrounded by the regular advertorials and car ads. My aim for the first year is a dozen subscriptions with a low churn rate.

Journalist: That's very clever Altavistagoogle, but aren't you going to splurge a bit. You did after all win the lottery.

Me:
Absolutely, first thing I'm going to buy is a vowel. A giant A on my front lawn, perhaps painted in gold. It would be just as effective as a sports car for pissing off the neighbors, but without the risk of dying in a horrible car accident.

Journalist:
Ha, ha, right. What about travel?

Me:
Absolutely. With the winter we've been having, I'm going south! I'm thinking Grand Manan or Halifax. Joking! Ha. Had you going. No, I'm thinking Amsterdam followed by Colorado and Washington State.


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