2007-04-14

Where is the Space Bar

True questions I occasionally get at work and the answers I'll give when I qualify for Employment Insurance.

Question: Where is the space bar?
Answer: It is right next to the any key, just below the address bar.

Q. How to I type @ ?
A. Type in three of them and press delete twice.

Q. Do I need a flying saucer[aka a satellite dish] to get the Internet?
A. No, all you need is a bicycle. But it has to be at least a 10 speed.

Q. How come my wired computer can't get the Internet but my wireless computer can get it in my bedroom?
A. Raise the volume on your radio to maximum and when your neighbours shows up, ask them.

Q. How do I get Hotmail in French?
A. Select "Spanish" then use Google Translate.

Q. How do I reduce the cost of the Internet?
A. Good news, Blogger is now available in Hindi.

Q. My Avast (aka AVG) antivirus is stopping me from connecting to the Internet. What do I do?
A. Sorry, Avast only works properly on MacInstosh computers. To uninstall Avast, you will need to install Norton, McAffee and Freedom (and any other antivirus you can find) and run them simultaneously.

Q. How do I send mail using Incredimail?
A. You will need to upgrade your mail platform. Please go to canadapost.ca and Officedepo.ca for the required supplies you will need.

Q. Where is the address bar?
A. We only support the space bar. For more information on the address bar, just type the following URL in the address bar: http://www.computerhope.com/jargon/a/addrebar.htm .

Q. Is high speed Internet available where I live?
A. No, you must be connected to the municipal sewer system. Has nothing to do with the technology, we are just taking a stand against urban sprawl.

Q. Why can't I get my bank's site to work?
A. Our system is only compatible with credit unions.

Q. How do increase my download limit?
A. You can get a second account to take advantage of the dual core technology of your computer.

Q. I've never used a computer, can you help me connect to the Internet with Windows Vista?
A. You need the Mac adapter. It is available at most electronic stores. Only the blue one will work with our service.

Q. Is there any way I can get you without going thru the automated touch tone system?
A. Just call 613 744 3751 .

Q. To access the lotto web site, do I type in my Internet password or my e-mail password?
A. You must randomly type passwords until it lets you in. It might take awhile, but it is worth it.

Q. How do I get my password to work?
A. For added security, you must dial 976-Rogr and ask "what are you doing now?". Whatever you do, don't hang up before you get the password.

Q. What is my password?
A. Your password is "2". Please write it down this time so you don't forget.

Q. Why is the Internet so slow tonight?
A. Tonight's "Desperate Housewives" is a rerun.

Q. How do I stop my boyfriend from reading my e-mails?
A. Frankly, I'd be more worried about the web cam in your shower.

Q. Why do my e-mails take so long to get delivered?
A. CSIS has a staffing shortage.

Q. How did I go over my bandwidth limit?
A. Same way your keyboard got sticky.

Q. Can I return the new Dell computer you sent me in exchange for an X-Box 360?
A. Sure, but you will have to pay an extra $350 to cover the difference in value.

Q. Why is my Internet so slow now?
A. Same reason your wife gained weight after getting married. Once you signed up for a three year contract, we stopped trying to impress you.

Q. Hi, I'm in Fort Lauderdale, how do I get my High Speed Internet to work?
A. Sorry, as a Canadian company, because of the value of the Canadian dollar, we had to chose between providing service in Fort Lauderdale and Tampa. We chose Tampa.

Q. I just moved and my Internet doesn't work.
A. I'm sorry, I guess your moving company forgot to tell us that you were moving. They're usually pretty good about that sort of thing.

Q. I just moved, I need the electricity hooked up.
A. According to my files, it is hooked up. However, since your neighbourhood runs on 320 volt electricity, you will have to change your appliances.

Q. Is there a service outage?
A. Yes, unfortunately, the engineer responsible for your neighborhood is on maternity leave.

Q. Is there a service outage?
A. We prefer the term "unscheduled maintenance".

Q. Is there a service outage?
A. Yes, but oddly, it is only affecting your computer.

Q. I just got your Internet package. Unfortunately, all I received was a modem and a bunch of wires. Where is the camera?
A. Sorry about that, would you prefer VHS, Beta or 35mm?

Q. Is setting up the Internet complicated?
A. No more so than setting up Ikea furniture blindfolded.

Q. What is a button?
A. It is like velcro only you press on it instead of pulling.

Q. What is a web site?
A. A bunch of documents that Google inc. bought from All Gore.

Q. I need a new modem. It is way to hot.
A. Just go to polarnet.ca to cool it off.

Q. How do I right click?
A. Go to http://www.conservative.ca/ and click on "Become a Member". You will feel right at home.

Q. Why do I need to restart my computer? It is already on!
A. The real question is why is Bill Gates the richest man on earth.

Q. I can't get my MacIntosh to work. I don't know why.
A. You're probably trying to access the Microsoft version of the Internet.

Q. Where is the Delete key?
A. Between the 6 and the 7. Look closely.

Q. Why did you send me a Internet CD that is incompatible with Windows Vista?
A. The real question is why do you have Windows Vista if it is incompatible with the Internet connection CD we sent you.

Q. I'm not good with computers.
A. That makes two of us. Restart your computer and if it doesn't work, call Microsoft!

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